The Thought Pattern Creating More Stress Than Your Kids
And the exact tool I use in therapy to change it.
There was a theme in my therapy office this week.
Actually, there was a theme in my therapy office, my own brain, and probably half the conversations I had with friends this week.
Different women. Different lives. Different problems.
But somehow we all seemed to be speaking the same language.
One mom was overwhelmed trying to coordinate summer camps, childcare, swim lessons, and work schedules.
Another was carrying guilt because she hadn’t called her mom back in a few days.
One was stressed about attending a birthday party she didn’t really want to go to.
Another was trying to keep the house clean while working, raising kids, and functioning on approximately three hours of uninterrupted sleep.
Different stories. Same words.
“I should...”
“I have to...”
“I need to...”
“I must...”
As a psychologist, these words practically jump off the page at me now. I hear them and immediately want to grab a giant yellow highlighter.
Why? Because they’re clues that someone is carrying a lot more pressure than they realize.
A Quick Psychology Lesson (I Promise It’s Useful)
One of the things I teach clients all the time is that thoughts are not facts. They’re thoughts. That’s it. And some thoughts are a lot more helpful than others.
This particular pattern falls into a category we call cognitive distortions.
I know. It sounds like something your therapist says right before handing you a worksheet.
But stay with me because understanding this concept can genuinely change the way you experience motherhood.
A cognitive distortion is simply a thinking habit that creates more suffering than necessary. It’s not that you’re terribly flawed. It’s not that you’re doing motherhood wrong. It’s that your brain gets used to viewing situations through a particular lens, and after a while you stop questioning whether that lens is accurate.
Think of it like wearing sunglasses for so long that you forget you’re wearing them.
And once you start noticing these thinking patterns, you’ll see them everywhere.
The Three Cognitive Distortions Moms Use Constantly
One of the most common is black-and-white thinking.
This is the all-or-nothing lens.
The house is either clean or it’s a disaster. You’re either a good mom or a bad mom.
The birthday party either went perfectly or it was a complete failure.
The problem is that real life rarely lives in those extremes. Most of life exists somewhere in the messy middle, but black-and-white thinking doesn’t leave much room for that.
Then there’s fortune telling.
This one is exactly what it sounds like. Your brain starts predicting the future before it happens.
“The kids are definitely going to melt down.”
“This trip is going to be a disaster.”
“She’s probably upset with me.”
“Everyone is going to judge me.”
The funny thing is that most of us aren’t nearly as good at predicting the future as we think we are. And yet we walk around treating these predictions like they’re already facts.
But the one I’ve been noticing most often lately is thinking in absolutes.
The shoulds.
The have-tos.
The musts.
And mama, these things are everywhere.
I should volunteer for the class party.
I should have a cleaner house.
I should make healthy lunches every day.
I should be more patient.
I should call my mom more.
I should text my friend back.
I should sign my kids up for more activities.
I should enjoy every moment because they’re only little once.
I should. I should. I should.
By the time we’re done, we’ve turned motherhood into one giant performance review.
And somehow we’re always failing it.
The Mom Who Was Carrying A Refrigerator
One of my clients this week is a wonderful mom.
Thoughtful. Kind. The type of person who remembers birthdays and checks in on people when they’re struggling. The one who starts every session with “How are you doing?” And she genuinely wants to know, despite the fact that she’s paying me to understand how SHE’S doing.
She’s also a recovering people-pleaser and conflict avoider.
Which means disappointing people feels physically uncomfortable to her.
She came into session feeling completely overwhelmed. Summer schedules. Family obligations. Friends. Work. Kids. Everything.
As we started talking, I noticed the pattern immediately.
“I have to go to that birthday party.”
“I can’t get my walk in because I have to clean my house.”
“I should sign the kids up for piano. My friend said it makes kids smarter.”
“I have to take my mom to all of her appointments.”
“I should be able to handle all of this.”
By the time we finished unpacking the list, she looked like she was carrying a refrigerator on her back. And honestly, she kind of was.
Because every single one of those thoughts had quietly transformed into a requirement her mind.
Thoughts Versus Facts
That’s when we started slowing things down.
Do you actually have to go to the birthday party?
Well... no.
Do you want to go?
Kind of.
Are you afraid someone will be disappointed if you don’t?
Yes.
Aha.
Now we’re getting somewhere.
The anxiety wasn’t coming from the birthday party. The anxiety was coming from the belief that disappointing someone would be intolerable.
Then we moved to the house.
Do you HAVE to keep the house clean? Or do you PREFER having a clean house?
Those are two very different things. One creates pressure. The other creates flexibility.
Do you need to make a healthy lunch every single day?
Every day?
For the next eighteen years?
Of course not.
A Lunchable isn’t going to erase years of loving parenting.
But when we tell ourselves these things are requirements rather than preferences, our nervous system responds accordingly. When we believe our thoughts to be facts, we live in a skewed reality.
The brain hears, “I have to,” and interprets it as “This is non-negotiable.”
And when everything becomes non-negotiable, anxiety starts running the show.
A Little Therapy Homework
If you’ve found yourself nodding along while reading this, here’s the exact framework I often walk clients through when we’re untangling a particularly stubborn “should.”
And remember: the goal isn’t positive thinking or living life in the clouds. The goal is FLEXIBLE thinking. Because flexible thinking leaves room for being human.
And motherhood requires a whole lot of humanity.
Grab a journal or open the notes app on your phone.
Start with one thought that’s been creating stress for you.
Maybe it’s:
“I should keep the house cleaner.”
“I have to go to that birthday party.”
“I need to make healthier lunches.”
“I should be handling this better.”
Then walk through these questions:
1. What’s the thought?
2. Is this a fact or a belief?
3. What am I afraid would happen if I didn’t do this?
5. Is that outcome realistic, or am I fortune telling?
6. What’s a more flexible version of this thought?
A Few Final Thoughts
Before I go, I should probably put my psychologist disclaimer hat on for a minute.
This Substack is not therapy. It’s education, support, tools, stories, and hopefully the occasional “oh wow, I thought I was the only one” moment.
BUT - If you’re reading this and realizing you’ve got some pretty deeply rooted shoulds, perfectionism, anxiety, people-pleasing, or old patterns you’d like help untangling, that’s exactly the kind of work I do with clients every day. If you’d like to work together one-on-one, fill out my contact form and my lovely assistant will get in touch with all the details.
Not feeling the therapy route? No worries.
That’s actually a big part of why I’m creating The Feelosophy of Motherhood Course.
My goal is to take many of the same tools, concepts, and mindset shifts I bring into the therapy office and package them into a self-paced course that moms can work through from home, in yoga pants, while reheating the same cup of coffee for the third time.
We’ll be diving into topics like perfectionism, people-pleasing, motherhood identity, anxiety, invisible rules, emotional wellness, and how to stop surviving motherhood and start feeling good in it.
It’s coming soon, and I’m genuinely so excited about it.
If you’d like details, make sure you’re subscribed here on Substack. I’ll be sharing behind-the-scenes updates, snippets from the course, early access opportunities, and some discounts for this community when launch day rolls around.
Or if you’re the planner type (the moms who already bought next year’s planner and color-coded it), you can join the waitlist here.
Until then, start paying attention to those shoulds.
I have a feeling they’re telling you more than you realize.
💛
With you in this wild mama ride,
Dr. Taylor
Psychologist, Mom of 3, and Founder of Feelosophy
This is so helpful! I need this reminder daily.
Carrying a refrigerator…! Perfect analogy!